just saying.

there are few things that i find more frustrating than having crushes on people that i don't really know.

wedding plans

why, isn't it just the finest day for an autumn wedding?
don't give me that shrug.
look at the leaves;
gold, red, brown, purple, pink, chartreuse, and cerulean!
imagine them melting under our feet as we slip down the aisle as husband and wife.
can't you just imagine?!
and your little niece..what's her name? she can be our flower girl-all dolled up in tulle and trashbags!
oh jim, won't it just be divine?!
....don't fly away from me, when I'm talking to you!
and flowers!
we won't even need them, i can just carry a little arrangement of cat-tails and high-life bottles, why i won't mind a bit!
jim!
i'd really appreciate it if you would stop trying to fly out of that cage you're in and listen to me when i talk to you.

you know how heavily this weighs on my uterus.

happy flowers

peeling off wallpaper in my room is somewhat cathartic.

the trouble with 'we'

"It certainly seems that you have a lot of affection for one another" she said, raising her eyebrows and slightly nodding her head up and down in anticipation.

I know what she wanted to see, or maybe, what she was expecting to see: the two of us to share in her gentle nod, but adding to it a wide smile that says "love can conquer all." Instead, as K gives her the response she yearns for (a classically false toothy grin and a quick nod of her slightly tilted head) I pause momentarily before looking her plainly in the eye and say, "I suppose we wouldn't be here, if we didn't."

They were both still smiling when she asked me, "But you don't think that K ever says things to deliberately hurt you, do you?"

I replied the kindest way I could, by staring at the ceiling in silence.

Both of their smiles faded, and that was when K's toothy grin shattered into bits of gold and enamel onto the hardwood floor.

"Just take a breath" she said to her "Just take a few breaths."

Christmas 1991

Do you know what a Zebra Sounds Like? It sounds an awful lot like a Chihuahua or a Yorkie. One of those electronic toy ones that your grandmother bought you for Christmas or your birthday, when all you really wanted was My Pretty Ballerina or maybe just a few cans of Play-Doh. It's body is hard, covered in fake fur, and it's hips "fully jointed", so that with a forceful pat of it's well coiffed head it will obediently sit and echo off a trail of disingenuous yaps. That's what a Zebra sounds like. And I always thought they were silent creatures.

Acer macrophyllum

It turns the tree was a Big Leaf Maple. You see, we never bothered to identify any of the trees that inhabited our yard, only enjoyed the shade and privacy they afforded us. The tree, like us, was healthy when we arrived here, all of it's limbs were intact, and it stood with an air of pride as it's furthermost branches reached for the sun. Then, as time went by, Anne got worse, and I suppose I did too, we all did really, and off went the tree's once sturdy limbs. It was several years after the maiming when we noticed the large ominous wet black circle at the base of tree, and realized that we were long past the point of saving. The tree's gone now-cut down to it's watterlogged base, and we are left learning to embrace a void filled only with blinding sunlight and our own shadows.

a word

you should know right now, this isn't going to be a purposeful blog.

it's just going to be a conglomeration of unorganized, un-thoughtout, egocentric musings (and possibly uninspired writings).

i just haven't the time for anything else, really.

honest.